Better For All of Us
by FooZater
Summary: A little more insight into why the Admiral came back to change the future. J/C.


Disclaimer: Don't own anything. All Paramount's!_  
_

* * *

_But when I'm through, things might be better for all of us - trust me._

She couldn't help but replay the last words she had said to Chakotay as she watched him whispering to her younger self in a secluded corner of the bridge not too far from her now. Even as she thought it, she gave an inaudible snort - said to him. Said to Chakotay. She hadn't actually spoke to Chakotay for some time, but she had spoken to his gravestone every day for the past 9 months.

Another laugh punctuated her melancholy and she couldn't help that it had probably wormed its way as a mask of grief on her face. Seeing Chakotay, Seven, even a healthy Tuvok was affecting her, but especially him. When she had decided to do this, when her world, her life, her mind had become so black and twisted and bleak that she couldn't take it anymore - it had been him that made her decide to change it. He was what finally put the nail in the coffin of her timeline. His coffin.

She sucked in a breath as her eyes followed him from Tactical over to ops to discuss something with Harry. It was all she could do not to close the space between them and touch him. A lump formed in her throat and she forced herself to look away. Her eyes landed back on her younger self and she felt a pang of jealousy, swiftly followed by anger. She would do what she had to do. Anything. To get him back.

She was fully aware now that she could never let him go. To be here with him, back here, it made the embers of her charred heart glow again. And it felt good. So good. She could almost stay here forever. But 'here' was fleeting. She knew that all too well. Wasted it first time around and while she could only be a spectator now, for this moment wasnt hers to really enjoy, she could damn well make sure that the future was brighter for all of them, including herself.

She was staring again, she knew. Somehow, her gaze had gravitated back towards him. He was working with Captain Janeway and Seven on the new modifications to Voyager. Joking and laughing, happy. She licked her lips and glanced to Seven, following his eyes as he stole a furtive glance at the former drone. He would be dating her already, this she knew. It was still early she guessed, judging by the blush that briefly crept into Seven's cheeks before she averted her eyes back to something the Captain was gesturing at between them both. She never had been privy to when exactly their relationship started. Chakotay only told her of it when he thought it was getting serious. She would never forget that day. She had heard some rumours but expected them to be just that - rumours. She never thought he would move on. How typically arrogant of her.

A flare of anger filled her lungs and she exhaled it with force as she froze damming eyes on Captain Janeway.

_What a goddamned fool I was._

The Captain took that moment to look up, catching her eye and judging by the question in them, she hadn't missed the emotion. She swallowed and schooled her expression into a smile and glanced away, hoping the Captain wouldn't verbalize the question.

She envied the Captain. She also hated her. She envied the ease and closeness the woman had with this crew, with Seven, with Tuvok, Chakotay… she envied most of all that this woman didn't have any idea what she would soon lose, of what she was already losing. And she hated her because if this worked, and she would ride to hell to make it so, it would be the Captain that would reap the rewards. One way or another, she was going to hell even if she lived through this. But now, that seemed unlikely. She would be Borg meet very soon and the thought sent a chill vibrating through her. Somehow this woman she envied - hated - had convinced her to sacrifice herself in all of this. And somehow, that was ok.

"Admiral?" Her head snapped to her right to see Chakotay. She had drifted off again. It was fast becoming a habit and she scowled inwardly at the loss of control. On the outside a warm smile bled on her face like an old friend's embrace, long neglected but eagerly welcomed.

"Yes?" she responded and she was quick to notice a brief flash of confusion on his face but it was gone quickly and he was beside her, an arm reaching for her.

"I have a few questions about your shuttle," he explained as his fingers brushed her elbow and he motioned for her to move with him. She followed him without remembering the decision to do so. She swallowed as they approached the turbo lift and, in a habit she had almost forgotten had existed, his hand moved from her elbow to the small of her back as he politely guided her into the confined space ahead of him.

She sucked in a stabling breath and bowed her head, hoping that, with her back now to him, he wouldn't notice her behavior. It had been so long since she'd seen him and even longer since he had touched her like that. It was… overwhelming. She had expected to react to those she had lost, especially those with whom she had been close, and she had not tried to hide the awe when she saw Seven for the first time, or the gushing joy when met with Tuvok but this… this she had to keep in check. Chakotay could not know.

"Are you ok?"

_Dammit, he had noticed. He always noticed._

"Yes," she said softly. Ignoring the burning in her chest as she smiled at him. "You have questions, Chakotay?"

He looked at her curiously but the lift took that moment to stop and she quickly expelled herself from his closeness. He followed her with solid, careful footsteps. She slowed her too-fast strides as she realised she didn't know where they were going, and that he wasn't keeping up.

"About the shuttle, right?" she elaborated on her question when he didn't answer immediately. He had caught up with her now, and as she stared straight ahead, jaw held high, she could feel his soul penetrating eyes on her.

_Damn those eyes, _she thought._ They can see everything. __Think happy thoughts, Kathryn._

She heard a quiet sigh and a soft inhale and then, "No."

She stopped, head swiveling to him in confusion. "No?" Had she missed something? That was what he had said, wasn't it? Her eyes darted between two invisible spots between them both as she wondered if her drifting mind and distraction had conjured up the conversation they had as they left the Bridge. An eyebrow shot up, thinking if she had made it up, surely her subconsciousness could have been more creative. There were so many things she dreamed of talking about with Chakotay and her shuttle was not one of them.

"Actually, I just wanted to get you alone," he admitted, and started walking again when he saw her eyes flash with surprise.

Since his back was to her and moving away, she felt safe enough to momentarily close her eyes at the dread she felt. She swallowed, opened her eyes and stole herself for what was next. This may have changed into a conversation she had dreamed of, but it couldn't happen. That's why she dreamed of it.

"Well. Here we are," she said, verbalizing his accomplishment. He nodded.

"Let's get a coffee," he suggested, and she realised suddenly where they were heading. She forced herself not to slow her pace again.

When they reached their destination a few minutes of heavy silence later, he keyed in his passcode and they entered his quarters. As she crossed the threshold behind him she absently wondered, _Why here? Why not his office?_

"The Captain tells me you are drinking coffee again." He smiled as he moved to the replicator and ordered two coffees, one black, one with cream and two sugars. She watched him intently, quietly.

"Yes," she answered with a smile as he now approached with the mug.

"She seems to have changed your mind about a few things." He handed her the coffee, and as her hands found the mug her eyes slipped quickly up to him at his words.

"Such as?"

She took a sip from the mug, her insides tingling as the liquid caressed her on the inside and her eyes fluttered shut briefly at the sensation. She opened them, hearing his laugh, to see him grinning like a wolf. For some reason, it made her blush.

"Please." He motioned to his couch and she followed. "Well," he began, sitting beside her. Too closely for her liking. "Most importantly… how did she put it?" He paused to think and said, "To have our cake, and eat it too." The Admiral matched his smile, transfixed by it.

"She likes to have it all," she agreed. "Whatever it takes." He nodded.

"And you?" he questioned, putting his coffee down and focusing his attention on her. She blinked at the question and the piercing stare he was giving her. She averted her eyes from it and said quietly, "So do I."

"I'm not convinced," he argued and she couldn't help but smile. The situation brought her back to the many, many times he tried to weasel the truth out of her. It filled her with mirth and made her chest ache with a good kind of pain.

"She is very persuasive," she countered.

"I know."

"Well, then." She tried to wrap up the questioning by rising off the couch but his hand flew out and pushed on her arm so that she sat back down. She turned to him, with uncertainty in her eyes.

"She's also not you."

Her eyes flashed brightly at that and she froze. "And I am trying to figure out where she ends and you begin. But she's blurring those lines the longer you are here. And I find that interesting."

She swallowed, noticing his hand was still on her forearm. "Oh?" She feigned confusion, curiosity in her voice and she hoped it sounded more steady than she felt. His fingers were setting her arm and her insides on fire yet she felt unable to pull from his grasp.

"You are a different person, that much is clear. The Captain is…" His hand slipped away and she found herself missing his touch immediately yet relieved from the sensation it had caused. "Well," he said strangely, raking the hand he had lifted from her arm through his hair and smiling. "She's determined to get his crew home."

"So am I," she interjected, almost defensively and he smiled and nodded.

"But she wants to do it by the book." She tore her eyes away. "But you didn't seem so set on those rules earlier. In fact, you seemed willing to break them all if you got what you wanted. And I'm wondering why something so fundamental to Kathryn changed so easily." This time, she managed to launch herself from the couch before he could stop her.

"Perhaps," she answered. "But she changed my mind." She looked at him, ignoring the second part of his question. "She reminded me of who I used to be." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"And you are grateful for that." Her eyes, which he had been watching closely, flew open, unguarded for a second and he thought he saw panic briefly steal into them before she shut the Capt - no - the Admiral's mask back on.

"I guess I am," she admitted with a shrug. He was taken aback by that response and a laugh emerged from him. "What?" she demanded.

He rose from his seated place to follow her to the viewport she was now rested beside, her body turned towards him, coffee cup heading for her mouth again.

"I didn't expect you to answer that truthfully." Her eyebrows rose at his explanation. "She would have lied." Now she frowned. "That shouldn't surprise you, Admiral," he said and she almost winced at the way he said her rank. "You used to be her. And you both - you lied to me a lot." Her expression showed an acquiesce to his words and she only and looked out at the stars. "I guess I never expected that habit to change."

"Hmm," she hummed in agreement. "But you always knew the truth anyway," she said after some seconds without turning to face him.

He watched her profile, waiting for another cue but she was just staring quietly.

"Then why lie?"

"Because it kept me safe."

"And now?" She turned to him now. God, how she wanted to embrace him, tell him she loved him, that she never had wanted to lie to him or hurt him and if she could do it all over again, she never would. But she couldn't.

"And now there is no reason to lie."

_Oh, how ironic,_ she thought, moving past him now. She needed another coffee.

"You don't need to be safe anymore?" She gave a bitter laugh at his question.

"There is no safe for me anymore, Chakotay," she said with bitter resentment before replenishing her coffee at the replicator. "I hope you don't mind." She motioned to the coffee. He shook his head.

"Because this is a suicide mission?" he questioned. She watched his face contort with a familiar family of expressions she hadn't seen in years. Anger, fear, love, hurt.

"Chakotay…" she whispered.

"I know, there's nothing that will change your mind," he said regretfully. "Except maybe, Kathryn." She hadn't expected that and her jaw tightened. "As we've discussed, she's become adept at changing your mind these last few days."

"It wont work." The plan or the persuasion, she could see him trying to decide. _Either_, she thought.

He shook his head finally in the silence. "Damn you both," he cursed and stalked to the viewport. She raised her eyebrows at his back.

"At least keeping secrets seems to have stayed with you," he threw over his shoulder. "So much for no more lies."

She felt a dart hit her heart at his words. She was hurting him - again. "Chakotay…" she said sorrowfully, setting her coffee down and closing the space between them. She rested her hand gingerly on his shoulder as he stared angrily out to the stars. She was unsure of what he was so angry at. Her? The Captain? She wished she could take it away regardless and she forgot momentarily that she shouldn't.

His head moved slightly to look at where she touched him and she felt his body relax a little. Feeling the encouragement, she brought her other hand to his other shoulder and she heard him sigh. Then suddenly he was turning and the look in his eyes shattered her resolve. He seemed to realize that she had seen into his emotions and he dropped his head. He wasn't embarrassed, he didn't want to hide, but he knew she had always needed this out from emotion, and he always gave her what she wanted.

So he seemed surprised when the hand on his left shoulder moved to his chin and nudged it back to up look at her. She gazed at him with intense regret and the pain on his face seemed to grow. "I'm so sorry," she whispered in a raspy voice that erupted memories from long ago.

Chakotay was lost in memories, in time, in emotion. What was she doing to him? How was she doing this to him? A simple touch, a simple whisper and he was a mess. Where had this come from? Hadn't he decided to walk away from this? He clenched his teeth, about to remove himself from her but she was ahead of him and now both her hands were clasping his face, her thumbs on either side caressing his skin. He sighed, letting his eyes close and the ache in his heart opened further, now infecting him. He felt it radiate through his body, like a slow creeping darkness that threatened to consume him and he was suddenly afraid. Afraid of how he felt, afraid of what it meant, afraid of what would happen if he didn't stop this now.

His eyes opened reluctantly and his hands rose to remove hers. Then he saw her face and his hands froze. Her eyes were looking at him with such… rawness that he was captured. Kathryn had only ever looked at him in a similar way once, and yet, this look had the yield of a hundred times the intensity. It took his breath away. And so he found his hands slipping around her body instead, never wanting to let her or this moment go. When he saw the expression on her face flutter happily at his movement his heart quickened and he pulled her closer, dipping his head towards her. He intended only to rest his forehead against her and press her close in a loving embrace but then he saw her watching his lips, his motion took a new heading. He noticed immediately with apprehension the age-old internal battle she waged in moments like this win again and instead she spoke, "I never wanted to hurt you." He couldn't be sure what she meant. He wanted to believe what she meant was about them, Kathryn and him, and not the present suicide mission but she was always so damn unreadable in matters of the heart. She had been right when she had said he always knew when she was lying - except on this forbidden topic.

She appeared to notice his confusion and she looked unhappy about it as he saw the old battle resurface, but this time, he wasn't sure which side had won, until she spoke.

"Chakotay… I lov-"

"Janeway to Admiral… Janeway."

They both jumped at the interruption and Chakotay froze while the Admiral untangled herself from him with a speed that made him see only a blur of silver, red and black. He stood frozen as she collected herself and answered the Captain. What they exchanged was not something he even took notice of. He just kept staring at the same sport on the floor that she had vacated as he wrestled with what she had been about to say, what they may have been about to do.

"I have to go." He was aware she had said it. He was also aware she seemed… embarrassed. He just didn't know what to say and when he looked up to find her she was leaving.

"Admiral," he called, suddenly panicked. She didn't stop. "Kathryn?" Her shoulders slumped and she stopped just short of his doors. "What…" he had no idea what to say.

She shook her head, her back still to him. Heartbroken and disappointed in her slip of control. She knew he was a weakness, she should never have come here. He couldn't know and now… "I'm sorry," she said it firmly and strode on out, unable to look back at him.

* * *

"Captain." Chakotay said by way of greeting as he entered her ready room. She smiled widely upon seeing her visitor.

"Chakotay." She rose from her desk where she had been studying the details of their plan and the reports coming in from the different departments about it. "Coffee?" she asked as she stopped by the replicator to order her own. He shook his head. "The doctor just reported that the virus is almost ready. With Seven and the Admiral's help he said it should be in a hypospray and ready to go within the hour."

When he hadn't said anything or moved by the time she got to her couch and set her coffee on the table she regarded him with curiosity and concern. "Chakotay, is everything ok?" she asked with clear concern. He glanced at her.

"I don't know," he replied.

This disturbed her and she beckoned him towards her with a hand as she took a sip of coffee from her cup, keeping her gaze on him. "What's wrong?" she asked as he sat himself beside her, noticing he kept a remarkable distance between them with a conscious decision she saw taken in his expression.

He pursed his lips and dragged a hand down over his face. She knew immediately.

"The Admiral," she whispered and he met her eyes with the truth.

"Chakotay," she began as she set the cup down and scooted closer to him, resting a hand on his knee. His head inclined towards it and she suddenly remembered Seven. She pulled it away instantly as if burned and said harshly, "What did she tell you?"

"What?" he asked, confused and a little shaken at the touching and sudden not-touching. Spirits, he was so confused. The Admiral, the Captain, Seven. Too many women. Too many emotions.

He saw Kathryn's face harden and anger flit behind her eyes. "She told you, didn't she?"

He was somewhere between intrigued about what she thought was wrong with him, getting her to reveal it and actually talking to her about what he had come here for and caught by what to start with. His decision was too slow. She was speaking again. "It wont happen, Chakotay. I assure you," she said steely making sure he saw the promise in her eyes.

_What wont happen?_ he wondered.

"Even if we fail today, now that we know, we can prevent it. You won't lose her. I swear it." His eyes flew instantly to hers.

_Lose who?_ he thought panicked. The Admiral? But she _was_ going to die. That's why he was here. It bothered him. It bothered him because it was _her_. And so he sought her out - he needed her right now, because, in a way he was also losing her. Or at least a version of her that had shown him love, a version of her that had allowed the barriers to fall down and let him feel her. The thought that she could someday reach that, even if they didn't get home, that he could share that with her, had turned his world upside down.

Sleep had escaped him after the encounter with Admiral Janeway and he could feel himself carrying the familiar weight of loving her again.

_Again_.

He had never truly stopped. His love for her had set him on fire and day by day, she had just watched as he burned. For years he starved for the small moments of reprise that she would bring, those times when she would touch him longer than necessary, smile at him… that way, say something flirtatious, and it would be enough. But not recently, recently he was just burning. And she had just left him that way. He wasn't sure where it had all went wrong, but she stopped touching him, she stopped smiling that smile, and she stopped flirting.

He soon became certain she had never really cared and that he was just a fool. But the Admiral had changed all that. She had ignored the rules… and parameters and he was certain she would have told him she loved him if they hadn't been interrupted. He was losing control again because while she hadn't said it, he had felt it from her and he needed Kathryn to guide him back to ground, to give him the truth. Is that what she was promising? That he wouldn't lose her even if this failed. She would be there for him, she would be that Kathryn who had embraced him in his quarters.

Hope overwhelmed him and he needed to touch her, his hand seeking hers. She seemed surprised to see him reaching from her and while she briefly leaned away initially, she quickly melted towards him as his strength jarred her near to him and then, much more than their hands were touching as they held each other in a clinging embrace.

She had forgotten how good it felt to be in his arms and couldn't help pressing into him just a little more than was appropriate. The hands that had slipped around his back were somewhat clawing at him in desperation to hold him closer, harder. And he was no better off. While it had been powerful to hold Admiral Janeway in his arms, holding his Kathryn was intoxicating. Combined with a feeling of grief and loss he was unable to explain, he too wanted to pull her inside him and he felt, rather than heard, himself whimper as he buried his face in her neck and his fingers disappeared into her hair.

His reaction awoke feelings in Kathryn that she kept locked away tightly and right now they were flying, escaping like hungry prisoners out into the open. She was only aware of him and right now he was moaning into her neck. His hot breath was quick on her skin and the ministrations of his fingers in her hair and on her back had her stomach tingling, her heart aching and her desire raging. She wanted him so badly and she felt a growl rumble in her throat as his fingers tugged a little on her hair and he let go of an anguished groan. Suddenly a thought popped into her head.

_Seven_.

He froze as well. Had she said that out loud? His fingers came out of her hair and his head lifted to look at her.

"Kathryn?" She was already finding her center and trying to separate their bodies. What had she been thinking? He was here worried about his future wife, his current girlfriend and she was taking advantage of his emotional state, of his closeness.

He wasn't sure what was going on but she was trying to pull away and he didn't want that so his hands moved to her arms and held her in place.

"Chakotay!" she protested and they locked eyes for the first time since all this started. The air between them sizzled and she swallowed slowly. This was all her. She knew that - it had to be.

"What about Seven?" he asked.

So she had said that out loud.

"I…" she began, still light-headed from his nearness. "What do you mean what about Seven?" she asked, suddenly irritated. That was why he had come, that was why this had to stop.

It promptly became aware to him that she knew about him and Seven. His hands left her immediately in shock and she fell back a little from the suddenness of the movement.

"You know…" he whispered to the floor.

"About your relationship with Seven?" she responded. "The Admiral told me." His eyes moved a little at that but he wouldn't look at her. "I thought that's why you were here."

His confusion brought his glance back to her. "No."

"Oh." Then her face frowned in confusion and he could see her replaying their conversation, trying to make sense.

"What exactly did she tell you?" He already had a conversation with Seven about this.

He had gone to her earlier today. The Admiral had left him with no doubt that what he had with Seven was just not enough. It never would be and that wasn't fair to Seven. He had been amused to find her dumping him instead. Then suddenly angry when he realised it was all but instigated by the Admiral. Unsure of her motives all he could do was try to convince Seven that no matter their relationship, he would always care for her, and if someday that made him hurt, he was sure it would be worth it. However, he was unable to be intimately involved with her anymore. She seemed hurt, but also somewhat relieved. It was enough to tell him he was doing the right thing. He had gotten one woman to alter the parameters of their relationship, to make way for the other to redefine theirs.

Kathryn still hadn't answered his question so he moved towards her and prompted with a warm hand over her clasped fingers. "Kathryn?" She slowly looked to him.

"She told me that in a few years Seven is going to die." He nodded. He had heard the same. Her eyes glowed briefly and a film of water shone over them as she continued pointedly. "In the arms of her husband." She felt his hand flinch and watched the realization dawn on his face. She was retreating again and he came back to earth quickly with a very clear goal: to close the gap between them and never allow her to feel the hurt he saw on her face ever again. As she began to rise from the couch he smiled inwardly at the motion he used to push her down again, remembering doing the same to the Admiral yesterday. She looked at him with the same confused question in her eyes.

"Seven and I are not together anymore." She frowned in a way that told him she was finding this hard to process, like it was a piece of an equation she was trying to make fit. "I'm sorry, Kathryn."

She blinked and looked at the hand that was now squeezing her arm. "For what?"

"For not telling you. I'm sorry you had to find it out from someone else." He laughed softly. "From yourself."

"It's none of my business," she countered glancing away.

"That's not true." He pulled her face back to him. She was not running away again. "If I had given you the courtesy of telling you, perhaps you would have stopped me." She seemed surprised he would say that. "I certainly got that impression from the Admiral." Her eyes grew like saucers and he pulled his other hand to her face remembering how the Admiral had rooted him to the spot when he wanted to flee last night. He stroked her cheeks with his thumb and gazed hungrily into her eyes. Her eyelids fluttered and she made a noise in her throat that he had heard moments before Seven's name broke their spell. He took his cue and dipped his head. He was already at her lips when she opened her eyes in surprise and tried to move backwards away from him. But his hand was back in her hair, his other still on her cheek and his breath was hot on her lips as he said, "Dont." Then he crushed his lips against hers and she forgot everything except his presence and the way her body wanted to respond to it.

She had always imagined their first kiss as slow, shy and long. But this was hard, passionate, violent and much too fast. His lips were gone far too soon. She had wanted to explore his lips more, find herself in his mouth. She wanted to pull him over her, allow him to consume her, in whatever way he wanted. But he had stopped and she found that she was annoyed that he had. He was staring at her, panting from the effort of the kiss, clutching her head still but separating their faces at the same time. Just as she was about to move, he started to move towards her and her heart leapt, hungry for more. Unfortunately he only rested his forehead against hers, breathing hot ragged breaths against her lips.

"Chakotay…" she begged as she moved her mouth to his. He smirked and it made her stop. "What?" she demanded, pulling herself further away from him. His smirk bore the fruit of an amused chuckle at the sight of her as he shook his head slightly.

"I always thought you would do one of two things if I ever kissed you," he explained and she flexed an eyebrow at him waiting for an answer. "Slap me." She twisted her lips in a way that told him that it may still be a distinct possibility. "Or pretend it didn't happen." Her face scrunched a little and he wondered if he had hit a nerve. Feeling bad for hurting her even just a little he continued quickly. "I never ever thought you would be annoyed that I stopped." He was grinning now and she smiled as a blush crept into her face and her eyes dropped.

"I love that you can still surprise me," he said, pulling her chin up to look at him. She saw and felt the love that was radiating from him. If she hadn't felt it in that kiss, it was certainly unmistakable now. She never wanted that feeling to go away again. She had spent months miserable because of the distance between them, and her heart had been completely broken when the admiral had told her he had moved on - with Seven. She wasn't sure why he was here right now, she wasn't sure how he could possibly still love her after everything she put him through but she was now, more than ever, sure that he did. He loved her. And it made everything ok. They might get home today, they might not. But he loved her and it would be ok.

"I love you."

He had always assumed he would say it first. Yet twice, in as many days, Kathryn Janeway had beat him to the punch. He was definitely loving that she could still surprise him. He grinned widely at her and pulled her into another kiss, this time a little more sensual, a little longer and much deeper. When he pulled away this time he didn't go far, just far enough to take a breath and she whispered, "Better." against his lips.

He laughed and cupped her face with his hands tightly whispering in response, "I love you too." Before devouring her mouth again in the hope that he could continue to improve on kissing her.

* * *

AN - I know the timeline of Seven and Chakotay's discussion isn't perfect here but clearly, its not the only think I messed with :)


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